I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.