I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.