I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
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He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!