i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!