I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field