I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My safe word is Worcestershire
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.