I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This hospital has everything
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.