I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
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My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Merry Christmas
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*