“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.