“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.