I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.