I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before