Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
never forget
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?