Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.