“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
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Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”