I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.