I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
can’t talk my ride’s here