[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.