“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer