@Andee_Stewart: I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You should cut the grass. Me: Yes, dear. W: And, you really need to trim that bush. M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too. W: What? M: Yes, dear.

@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower

@TheToddWilliams: Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!! Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix... Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

@ItsAndyRyan: Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose