@Andee_Stewart: I always close the door to the bathroom even if I'm home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
@goldengateblond: "We had unprotected sex. Give us a present." -- the subtext of every baby shower
@TheToddWilliams: Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won't fix...
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
@ItsAndyRyan: Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
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