@KeinyoWhite: "I'm not racist, but," -Racists
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@Parentpains: In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.
@IamEveryDayPpl: My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
@romiza_: *Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*