I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
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Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.