@Mikecanrant: I'm not racist. I hate all races equally. Especially the 100 meter dash. All short and Olympickish.
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@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.
@FSUSteve: Just because a guy wants to see you naked it doesn't mean anything, I know a guy who drove 2 days to see a donkey show.
@dorsalstream: [kids fighting in the back seat] ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON'T CUT IT OUT.
@joshgondelman: If you want to rob a white person, just say: "Stop, collaborate, and listen," then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.