The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
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I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.