I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
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[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?