God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time