“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
#StillHurts
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler