So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
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Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.