My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
🤣
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts