@WhaJoTalkinBout: I'm not saying four kids is too many, I'm just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that's all.
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@ashmensch: Good neighbors never bother you. Great neighbors don't call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
@moose_chocolate: Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were you on the night of the 5th?" "Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."
@MrMichaelRose: I think it's obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters