@fightforfood: I'm not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone's house and just started eating their breakfast.
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@flashember: "Alex is visiting later tonight." Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
@bornmiserable: MOM: [walks into daughter's room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators' phone numbers on bed] Are you... politically active?
@jeffswarens: If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: [Speed dating] Me: would you say you’re more of a cat person or a dog person? Black Panther: ... Are you serious right now?