@fightforfood: I'm not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone's house and just started eating their breakfast.
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@LindaInDisguise: Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?
@SleepingSuspect: Actual voice mail: "Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so...happy face at the end."