I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight