I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.