I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I falcon love using swear birds
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.