Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.