@SteveSackington: I'm not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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@awkwardphilippe: [clown interview] Why become a professional clown? me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
@Tmoney68: Made a special running playlist that's nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I've lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.