I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
You Might Also Like
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain