I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
TODAY
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I need this for my side hustle.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.