I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”