I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
You Might Also Like
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th