I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The devil.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap