I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Had to try this trend 😊
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket