I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Same pineapple, same
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Catering service
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*