@TheBoydP: I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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@StinkyGr33n: Boss to our group: "Let's talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first." Me: *Goes home*
@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes." Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole." Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."
@MisterBombay: If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing
@neilhimself: In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.