I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
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“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
tis the season
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.