I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Autocarrot sucks!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.