I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
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SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani