I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.