I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors