I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
this is funnier than any friends episode
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes