I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
They’re called werewolves.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B