@thentherewasmo: I'm not saying your cat doesn't care about you, I'm saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well
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@wwwdotben: It's 3000 AD. Everything is fleek. President Updog has dissolved congress. Women make 700x what men do. I'm still writing 2014 on my checks.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 2-year-old: An eagle! I’m going to save so much money on college.
@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@ldgadamn: “if your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?” first of all, i’d jump off a cliff without my friends