What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
You Might Also Like
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Finally! 😈
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?