@tweetcomedian: I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.
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@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@mattr_in_nc: Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
@Scdavis24: Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri "What do women want?" She's been talking nonstop for the last two days now.