@tweetcomedian: I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid
@shashaintl: I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you're a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]