@tweetcomedian: I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.
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@ghostkrogh: Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
@thenoahkinsey: When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny
@djdarrellripley: Her: Did you just ask that woman out? Me: Yes... Her: And? What'd she say? Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said "Read My Lips."