@tweetcomedian: I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.
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@batkaren: [1st date] "I'm really into roll playing," I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
@michaelianblack: Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
@FilthyRichmond: The cashier at McDonald's was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby's bottle.