I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.