I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
March 16
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.