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@sarah1mc: I'm not saying you're an idiot,
I'm typing it.
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police"
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"
@ruinedpicnic: J.K. Rowling: "Theres actually a goat with Harry Potter the entire time, its just never mentioned or does anything."
@withanewname: "Honey, it's time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas"
"You mean the birds & the bees?"
"DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!"
@jmhuntsinger: Judging by the quality of some of your tweets I can tell this isn't the first time you've failed in life.
@darinlovesbacon: Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die